[Editor’s Note: Escorting sad facts of Civil Air Patrol truth with a body guard of satire? Winston Churchill took notice from the grave. Thank you for thinking of us.]
Hee Haw, AuxBeakers:
Today is November 30th and three years ago this time I was flying high and slamming our civilian buffoons to make way for an Ol’ Eagle Driver to become the next National Commander of Civil Air Patrol. Good Times. This is what I wrote back then to escort Col Mark Smith smoothly into your CAP end-zone. As you can see, it was good. Too good in fact. They shut me down. Maybe the guys at AuxBeacon will give me a second chance?
MAXWELL AFB, Ala — In a surprise move that may prove controversial, the Auxiliary has decided to hand over its marketing effort to the recruiting and propaganda arm of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, the organization more often called ‘ISIS’ or ‘ISIL’.
Claude Jefferson, National Recruiting Director, said, “I was reading an article about these guys and in it the author said, ‘ISIS is operating a multilingual recruitment campaign that has so far succeeded in winning them at least 25,000 foreign fighters and probably many more.”
“It was like a five-thousand-watt light bulb went off,” Jefferson continued. “And I thought, if these guys can talk people into traveling thousands of miles on their own nickel just to live like animals and blow themselves up, then they ought to be able to inspire a few Americans to get the [expletive] off their couches and contribute a couple hours a week!”
Jefferson and his staff conducted a thorough review of ISIS’s marketing products, which are primarily the glossy magazine ‘Dabiq’ and hundreds of YouTube videos of people blowing themselves up. It was an eye-opener for the Recruiting Office.
“Frankly, this third-rate non-state terror organization puts out better social and print media than our people produce for us,” said Orlando Hardy, Recruiting Media Coordinator. “They’re doing more with Photoshop on a cranky old iMac in a cave with a generator than the guys down the hall do with the latest gear. So we figured, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!”
“We are very happy to be working with the Infidel Air Patrol. We have much to learn from each other in this mutually beneficial relationship,” ISIS spokesman Apu Majamed-Durka said through an interpreter. “We are trying to impress upon the infidels that media isn’t enough, it takes a personal touch. The effective range of the Sword of the Righteous is one meter. And we are hoping to learn how to create a group as fanatical and dedicated as the Spaatzen.”
“We think that Hawk Mountain will make an excellent training camp,” Majamed-Durka continued. “The isolation and brainwashing are already in place. And they wear orange vests all the time, so it will be easy to hide explosives. Those whistle chains will make perfect triggers.”
‘Volunteer’ magazine will be renamed ‘Air Infidel Monthly’, and ISIS has proposed a slew of new recruiting videos featuring Cadets blowing themselves up.
“Everyone who’s seen the new materials absolutely loves them,” said Hardy. “They’re a little leery when they find out who produced them, but even then they agree that’s it’s better than our in-house stuff.”
Even though the enthusiasm is evident on both sides, there will clearly be some difficulties as the two organizations learn to cooperate and where each others boundaries lay.
“Overall, we are divinely pleased,” said Majamed-Durka. “But we have to draw the line at the pancake fly-ins, since they generally serve pork sausages or bacon. This we can not abide!”
“They’re having a little trouble understanding that we’re looking for airplanes that are already crashed, not crashing them into buildings ourselves,” Jefferson reported. “Plus, they’re really big on themes like jihad and slaughtering your enemies. We’re okay with providing the Young Marines and the Sea Cadets as enemies, but we’re trying to get them to compromise on literally killing them.”
Jefferson smiled, his amusement at the small misunderstandings evident. “We’ve got some cultural differences to work through. But, ‘Aloha Snackbar!’, as we’ve been learning to say around here!”